Dance With Who Brung You

Yesterday I wrote a post that somehow disappeared and I decided that was good. The writing was not clear and I couldn't seem to make it clear. In playing with it, it disappeared for good - truly for good in both senses. It wasn't good writing and it was gone for good.

I'll try again to convey the message I entitled "Beginning at the Beginning". Perhaps I will use the same title today - we'll see. Usually I don't title the write until I'm finished since I'm never quite sure what will appear on the screen.

It's about meditating to connect with my inner voice. For the past five years I've been trying many different meditation methods with little to no success. Yesterday, I went back to my beginning attempts in the early '70s when I began practicing yoga. My teacher was Chris Williams (ODD: Several times when I typed her name yesterday, a t appeared at the end! Was it really Christ who was teaching me? )

So yesterday morning I sat with a my Claritas candle (a gift from my interspiritual mentor training course) and an incense stick burning. I held my healing bowl in my hands resting on a pillow in my lap. I was wearing the shawl Sara knitted for me. (None of this is unusual.) I set a timer for 30 minutes and began chanting "Om" on my exhalations and thinking "Welcome lovingkindness" on my inhalations. (This is the unusual part.) Om is thought of in many different ways - as the voice of God, the sound of creation, etc. I think of it as the sound of creation. It is used in nearly every yoga class I've ever attended. The most beautiful rendition I've heard was at a Dalai Lama event in Atlanta a couple of years ago when his accompanying Tibetan monks chanted it for what seemed like many hours as background and a kind of calling to the assembly before and after the Dalai Lama spoke.

I once taught the chant to a group attending a Lutheran conference and was told by one attendee afterwards that "we don't do that kind of thing - it's heathen." Is it heathen if it isn't Lutheran? I don't think so. But, that's another topic.

What I'm trying to tell you this morning - Sometimes it's good to go back to the basics. Sometimes it's best to "dance with who brung you."

The Interim

We are between Christmas and New Year's Day celebrations. It is a good time for meditation, contemplation, just taking stock and being grateful for ___________. Too many states of being and possessions to name. I have been blessed with such abundance - much of which I've already mentioned from time to time, but I must put in writing my gratitude for my healthy body, my loving family and friends, and my mental and emotional connection to Spirit. Everywhere I look this morning I see God - in the trees standing on the other side of the Pond - and reflected in its surface, the water, grasses and fallen leaves, the sunshine and the sky, the windchimes, and even the screened porch. The ducks and geese are in hiding. With just a slight twist of my head, I see the labyrinth and the three newly planted willow trees, and the dam - all things I see each morning - but somehow today they seem like special gifts. The warm cottage is a blessing. (I spent yesterday afternoon installing plastic sheeting over the inside of four more windows - Jim and I did some when he was here recently. What a super invention! It adds to the comfort of the cottage and still I can open the drapes and the blinds and see outside clearly.) The sun is shining brightly and the temperature will go up to 55 before the day is over. How could anyone ask for a more perfect winter day! I must say I'd enjoy seeing enough snow to cover the ground, but I certainly don't want what the Midwest is getting!

Over the next days of this interim between 2009 and 2010 I will dwell upon my life as it has been and look for some changes I'd like to make. I will especially concentrate on developing a plan for adding a deeper sense of lovingkindness. The Dalai Lama has said, "My religion is kindness." That is what I will be pondering.

Last Day at the Pond before Atlanta

Today is a busy one - 8:30 appointment with audiologist for hearing checkup, to the bank for gift cash, one more gift to find, finding boxes, wrapping gifts, finishing baking Chex mix and chili pecans and cheese puffs - Why in the world didn't I know earlier the sons would want these standards? May have to finish the baking at their homes. At any rate, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without some last minute fun things to get done. Maybe that's why I don't do much till the week before. Oh yes! I'll also be keeping an eye out for the UPS man! Still two gifts on the way. Unfortunately they are delayed because of the huge snow storm that traveled across the south and up the east coast.

It is just beginning to become light outside. Haven't heard my goose friends - 4 of them here now. They must be sleeping in this morning. Not much time to sit this morning - too much to get done. Perhaps later this afternoon when I'm ready for my nap I can squeeze in some "at the window" time.

Yoga sessions yesterday in the Yogatorium and two more this evening at the church. What a joy it is to be with them. For now I'm thoroughly enjoying doing a bit more hands-on teaching since I'm still denying my body the joy of full participation in the asana practice - waiting for total physical healing.

The Spiritual Sisters met on Sunday afternoon and renewed my concentration on the feeling of lovingkindness. It is truly amazing how my thought processes change, as well as my actions, and my body sensations when the word lovingkindness flashes in my mind's eye. Somehow it always causes a pause. And, that's where I find the Force - in the pauses. The Energy flows in through the pauses. Like right now.

First Morning Back Home

Grandsons "licking the bowl" at Thanksgiving - My Window and Pond in the background

I'm back in my chair by the window. It's cold this morning, but not too cold for the ducks and the geese. Our lone goose has been joined by three more - not sure if the same ones who disappeared in September - I suspect they moved to another of the many nearby ponds for a while. If they hang around, I'll be back to scooping goose poop again. Do you suppose some good is in all this? Could it be good for the grass? What do the local golf courses do about it? I remember when we lived in Clemson and walked the path at the Y on Lake Hartwell we occasionally saw what seemed like fifty to a hundred geese there and, of course, did some close watching of where we stepped.

What a way to start a blog post! Didn't really intend doing this when I sat, but that guy was honking so loudly I couldn't think about anything else. He's stopped now.

I am so pleased! I have been able to transfer my meditation practice as it was at South Beach to here. I have switched to my Claritas crystal candle holder since the red Christmas one was nearly exhausted. But, still the frankincense stick and the lovely healing bowl Anne gave me, my prayer shawl knitted by Sara, and the same calmness. I was pleasantly surprised by a halo around the candle flame this morning - a first - the colors of the rainbow appeared as a halo while I was repeating my mantra for each family member - beginning with me. The mantra came to me by way of Claritas and Karen Drucker, our beautiful musician when we were in Boulder. It is in the form of metta (lovingkindness) meditation. For those who didn't receive my Christmas annual letter, here are the words:

May I (you,we) be filled with lovingkindness

May I be well

May I be peaceful and at ease

And may I be happy.

And, indeed, I am happy. It is good to be home again - especially knowing I'll be leaving again on Wednesday to join family in Cumming and Suwanee for Christmas. I guess when I get right down to it, I am a wanderer. There is so much that I don't know yet and the most delightful way to learn is to be there!

The Awakening

This final morning at South Beach is - I'm not quite sure what it is. I sat in my usual way and became aware of the division between earth and sky. To my right, a small sliver of light showed in the beginning and gradually increased as time passed. The black sky turned lighter, into a dark gray, as the light streak widened. Still, even now, it is dark. But all along the separation line there is activity. To my left there are channel marker lights flashing red and green and one that is a still white light marker. A flashing white light is probably from the lighthouse on Tybee Island? Savannah? There are lights from buildings on the shore across Calibogue Sound from me that appear to be flashing as the pine trees sway in the wind. Yesterday's stormy wind and rain has ended. Despite the lights I mention, it is truly dark and only now beginning to be light enough for the separation to be gone. It is as though the darkness has lifted and left a oneness of earth and sky. The shrimp boat hasn't yet come by. Perhaps he is staying in on Saturday? Perhaps bad weather is expected? Perhaps he's caught his limit? Is there a limit?
Now the separation between earth and sky has returned with the early morning light turning everything gray but the sky lighter than the water. Now I can see the waves breaking on the shore. Now the awakening has occurred. When? I missed it.

Last Day of Retreat

The photo shows my daylight meditation log and my villa directly above the eye in the log, with two chairs on the deck. The sand is just in front of the log.

Tomorrow morning at 10:00 I must be out of here. Endings are not fun. I don't want to leave. This has been a wonderfilled, uplifting, renewing week. The funk I was in is over. I have had several days spent alone with my thoughts, my books, the sea and the sand, the pelicans, gulls, sanderlings, and dolphins. What a blessing to have this space to just be. It was helpful to have Jim spend an hour in the afternoons lying in reclined cobbler while I corpsed. How fortunate I am to have a brother with whom to share these moments.

I had thought I would blog each morning, but instead my routine has been like this. I get up at 5:30 in the dark, light a candle and a frankincense stick (THANKS, Cat!) set the microwave timer for 30 minutes, sit on the couch with my prayer shawl over my shoulders, my zafu (pillow) in my lap and my beautiful blue ceramic healing bowl (THANKS, Anne) held in my hands atop my pillow. It is pitch black dark. Two mornings I saw a shrimp boat go by coming out of Calibogue Sound going into the Atlantic with Savannah on the right (starboard? port?) with all the lights on - looked like a Christmas tree! (No, I don't always keep my eyes closed the whole time I'm meditating.) By the time the timer went off, I was ready for green tea and just sitting watching the light begin to appear in the sky. Once tea and a bit of journaling was done, I curled up on the couch and slept - such a beautiful sleep! And I dreamed. It was so exciting to be dreaming pleasant ones - not nightmares - as I had been doing at home. I confess, I didn't write in my dream journal - somehow they seemed too sacred to reduce to paper. Nothing terribly visionary or spacey, just pleasant dreams.

If I've lost you at this point, feel perfectly free to tune out. But, you know what, I'm loving this!

Today I shared a delightful lunch with Anne (Jim's wife) at Truffles, my very favorite restaurant here. It was pouring down rain and there were few people about, which perhaps made it even better! I had a lovely chicken soup with almonds. And, purchased a fun T-shirt. Tomorrow I'll return to the Pond. I will carry with me a sense of well-being and peace that I will share with my family and yoga students during the week of Christmas. I will renew my intention to serve by marketing myself as a yoga teacher and reaching out to those who have not yet discovered the joy I have in practicing asanas (postures, poses) and meditation (contemplation) and devoting study time to spiritual texts. That is my plan, my purpose, my mission.

What is your plan, your purpose, your mission?

Sorry, I haven't yet learned how to position the photos - but at least I can get them here!

Happy Weekend!

No news - just checking in

Good evening! I'm at the midpoint of my week here at Hilton Head. What a delightful place I'm in! And, the weather has been very cooperative. Walking on the beach daily, watching from inside my villa the pelicans, gulls, and dolphins at play. A marvelous place for personal retreat. Jim was over today and we did some yoga together while listening to Sharon Salzberg talk about metta (lovingkindness) on her Insight Meditation CD's. Mostly we just corpsed and that was good! I've spent a lot of time just "being" and looking at the ocean. A wonderfully peaceful place to just "be".

Tonight Kate is arriving to spend the night with me. I am so honored that she is driving from her studio in Savannah here for just the night and spending some of her precious time with me. Tomorrow I'll have lunch with Anne for a "ladies' time out" and do a bit of shopping. I have a new camera that I'm just beginning to learn how to operate. Perhaps I'll figure out how to get photos from it onto the blog before the week is out. We'll see. I'm not really particularly interested in doing anything this week that takes a lot of effort - either mental or physical! So the photos may not happen.

Perhaps in the morning I can be a bit more philosophical. We'll see.

The Red Hat

After receiving Nancy's email about women's passages - I remembered the photo of me in a red hat and am inspired to join in the fun and share it with you. It was taken by Dale Turner during a yoga class gathering in Greenville several years ago. As you might guess, it was a true celebration of womanhood!

To the more serious side now - I'm at HH in my beachside villa and have had great success in my self-imposed spiritual retreat. Three meditation sessions so far and a marvelous walk on the beach in fog but relatively warm weather. All in all, it's working! I am so grateful for this opportunity!

Off to South Beach

Brother Jim was here Tuesday and Wednesday nights. As usual, we came up with a small project - this time, putting up clear vinyl film over the big window to help keep out the cold. And,we did one small bedroom window first to learn how. Now, I'm eager to get all the rest done! But not now. Today I'm preparing to leave tomorrow for Hilton Head for a final (I hope) week of recovery. Yesterday surgeon seemed pleased with progress. I'll see him again in three weeks.

My plan for the coming week away is to once again get deeply into my spiritual seekings. Somehow the last few weeks have been concentrated on Thanksgiving holiday and surgery recovery. Why is it that we allow ourselves to slip back into "everyday life in the ordinary world" and ignore our yearnings for the deeper self? Even after we learn that true joy lies in the Self. My first attempts at going deeper were at South Beach in Sea Pines at Hilton Head in 1996. I am returning to the same place for renewal. The key word for now is lovingkindness - theme our Spiritual Sisters study group is exploring.

But, for now, to town to get the 4-runner serviced, to purchase yarn for "knitting while reflecting", and picking up prescription, ---getting it all together to be away. Stay with me. I'll keep writing.

Rain - still dark

Woke at 5:00 this morning - siren sounded about 15 minutes later - tornado threat - and shortly after the siren - heavy rain and winds - acorns hitting the roof woke me originally about 3:30. It has been raining since early last evening. The Pond must be full nearly to overflowing again, the driveway no doubt has rainwater running down the tiny ditch that has been etched into it leading into the Pond. It will be interesting to see how much the ditch has grown when the sun rises.

Wonderful being with yoga students last evening for the first time in two weeks. Still lacking stamina, so mostly talked them through the session.

No wise thoughts this morning - just being.

By the way, the time shown below is incorrect - off by about 3 hours - don't know how to fix that. Time on my desktop toolbar is 6:46, the right time now.

Between night and morning

It is early

not night, not morning

the in between time

but it isn't dawn really

the sun is in hiding

the world is gray and black and white

but mostly gray



Trees along the far edge of the Pond

are repeated as black in the water

and just now are brown

against the green grass on one side

and yellow-tan broomsedge on the other



When will morning come?

now

it is here now even without the sun

showing his face



He is hiding

sleeping in late

on a Tuesday morning.



If I were to walk out front

I might see Miss Moon.

She is often there

even as Mr. Sun begins

lighting the sky

all around her.



But almost never

when he finallyshows his face.



Are they afraid of each other?

I think they respect each other's

domain

and therefore do not compete for space



Would that I could do that.

Yoga again!

.

FINALLY! We're back together beginning today with sessions at the Yogatorium and tomorrow at the church. These last two weeks away have been really tough for me without my yoga practice. I did do a few twists, but my energy level has plummeted. So, today I'll begin the road back! As I hope most of you know, the gaps in practice don't really matter as long as you have the gumption to resume your program! And, it doesn't really matter how slowly you begin again, just that you do begin again.

The Pond is quiet this morning. The sky is a bit gray. The ducks are swimming along the edge on the other side and the goose is following them - no honking yet-or if so I missed it. At times like these, I am astounded at the pleasure I get from just being here and looking. I'm reminded of my father's last years when that's what he did - simply sat with his oxygen and watched the pond. How I wish I had some way to know his thoughts then - I did find a diary a few years ago with only two entries. Both had to do with the weather and no other comments. Strange how we are tied to the weather - even though our livelihoods no longer are related to the weather. Still many of our recreation activities are - like tennis, for example. An important part of my sons' and their wives' lives. And, soccer - for the grandchildren!

More another day.

Christmas Music

I'm at the window, neither the goose nor the ducks are in evidence -all is quiet and still with only a bit of disturbance in the surface of the Pond out in the center. It is gray. Showers are predicted, but no snow. That's only in the mountains behind Clemson. My first action this morning was to retrieve Christmas music CD's (and a few tapes) from the storage building. And the one on top is one of my favorites - Anne Murray singing popular and religious songs interspersed. Her style reminds me a bit of Michael Bubele (sp?) - I've heard him twice now - at the lighting of the Christmas tree in Washington or New York - don't remember which - and again on Oprah yesterday. His style and popularity bring back such memories - the same style and popularity of singers of my youth - Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, etc. All this is to say - fashion and style recycles! How glad I am to see a softness, a depth, a sense of feeling kindness and love and hope -"I just haven't met you yet" - beautiful thoughts and attitudes!

Michael can't begin to touch the depths of my soul like my very favorite - Nat King Cole. Of course I'm biased - I once studied guitar with Irving Ashby - his guitarist - when we lived in Pasadena and Bob was studying 24/7 (although we didn't call it that then) and I had time on my hands even though working full time.

Christmas time is one of memories - old and new ones being formed. The music is a special way to recover memories of a lifetime. I wish for all of you, they are memories of happiness and love!

The photo is of the plaque Sara provided for the center of the labyrinth when Claritas I Pod 3 Sisters first created it.

It's one week ago this morning that I had the rectocele repair surgery. All week I kept saying "maybe tomorrow I'll feel like blogging." Finally my head is clearer and my body is not so "attention getting." That is to say, I THINK I can write with some clarity and some joy! Before, I just couldn't get up for it. Frankly, I think I defined the recuperative time as a week and so that's what it took! What a powerful thing is the mind.

The ducks are dancing on the Pond this morning. I think they love the cold weather. The goose is just sort of watching from the sidelines. The mist has lifted and the sun is shining making all the trees double up by reflecting in the Pond. There is gray over toward the town of Ninety Six behind the old fire tower that is long out of use. I wonder when someone last climbed it. Maybe they still do occasionally, but I think the SC Forestry Commission now relies on air surveillance for fire lookouts.

Thanksgiving was a joyous occasion with all ten of us here together. Tate's family arrived from Florida to enjoy the bonfire and s'mores following our hot dog cookout Wednesday evening. I had precooked sweet potato souffle, Clemson blue cheese potatoes, and macaroni & cheese. The guys fried a turkey and roasted lamb. Girls made cherry-o-cheese pies and the boys whipped cream. I put together the dressing, pumpkin pie and pecan pie and at the last minute Luke remembered the collards so those got done while the turkey fried. Sons were kept busy all the while helping the grandsons fish - from the canoe and the pedal boat this time. Everyone managed to stay dry except Luke - which added a bit of excitement when he tipped over in the canoe.

While I escaped to the hospital for my surgery the Friday after, the dutiful daughters (in-law) changed sheets and cleaned up the cottage and the Yogatorium and handled the left-over food. Meanwhile the five grandchildren decorated my wire Christmas tree with hand-made things using construction paper, markers, clothespins, and glue-ons from the crafts box. The clothespins were actually bought to make rubber-band guns with paint stirrers but turned out to be useful clips for the tree too. The children have learned to sign and date each of their beautiful creations so we can all enjoy reminiscing each year. The oldest item is a pineapple Kelsey made in '05. (The fresh pineapple was a real hit this year.) From now on, I'll keep all the items with the tree and we can keep adding to it each Thanksgiving. The kids can hardly imagine how valuable each item is to me. Each day I touch each one and thank God for the beautiful Kelsey and Sydney and handsome Walker, Jack and Sam. My perfect sons, Tate and Luke, and their perfect wives, Wendy and Susan, have created two perfect families For this, I am so GRATEFUL. No greater gift can there be.

Since there is a remote possibility we'll get a dusting of snow tomorrow, I've chosen a photo of the labyrinth I took last year when it snowed a bit. The labyrinth is clearly visible from my chair by the window and even though I don't walk it every day, I draw strength from seeing it!