My Well is Running Dry

Yesterday I began the tedious process of organizing and reviewing my journals for the year before Bob died. I was surprised by what I read. Amazing how the brain hides painful stuff. What a wonderful protective measure. What prompted this review of journals is attempting to remember (which I didn't and don't) what actually transpired the year before and the four years following his passing (which is the time period I'm writing about). I am so very glad I kept detailed records that allowed me to truly review the year I worked through yesterday. Today I will continue the process. I am trying to write for HBM as I go but I'm not quite sure yet how that is going to work. Will that make my writing more real? I finished Bob Bentley's 4-session genealogy writing course on Monday evening - learned a lot of useful writing hints - and came to the conclusion there is much more to learn. It seems I'm always biting off a big chunk of learning every time I get a chance to stop and cool my heels a bit. The next thing I know I'm deep into an entirely new discipline. This one, as with most, is not all pleasure. Much is just plain hard work. Some is emotionally draining. I think that is where the real effort comes in. How do I write and still stay sane? Or level-headed - or unemotional - or some of those things? It's not easy to make it all fun. I'm already considering giving up the project. Maybe what I need today is to pick up my knitting again, and read a romance novel. Certainly I can see the need to keep "filling my well." ---- just saw a turkey strutting and fanning his tail feathers out repeatedly across the Pond! Is it mating season?

Vertigo visiting

And so it rains again - 100% today - if this keeps up, the Pond will be full again. The great thing about it is this is my day off. Wednesday. I try to preserve this one day for doing just what I wish, although occasionally I end up with appointments I can't avoid. Funny, but rainy days seem to me almost like snow days when schools close. Today is a free one - freedom from requirements of any kind. So, what will I do? Yesterday was a full one - making phone calls to set up appointments for screening tests Dr. Biddle suggested - reviewing my journals to pick up more topics to include in HBM (Happy by Myself), teaching two yoga classes at the church, and learning to move more slowly.------ Vertigo jumped into my life for the very first time a couple days ago - I'm not sure whether it's now jumped back out or I'm moving more slowly and deliberately. Either way, it doesn't seem to be a problem now. Reminds me of the time about fifty years ago when I got drunk and saw and felt the ceiling or the bed moving around in circles! Fortunately that only happened once! It was really scary. ------ Now I'll see if I can find another rain photo.

It's not all about me

I have become hooked on memoirs - For you yogis and spiritual seekers - "Devotion" - by Dani Shapiro is a good read. Much about her struggling with her Jewish background. And, "Teacher Man" by Frank McCourt also held my attention from beginning to end. Strange, but my interests seem to have shifted to other people - it's less "about me" now and learning from others. That is a hard lesson - that everything in the world is not about me - but what a delightful peace arises when I do recognize it. Memoirs from others help.----Goldfinches are here!

Growing Separately

And so the rain pours down. I've been listening to it for several hours now. It is amazingly comforting. It makes me want to stay inside and read again all day long - but that is not to be. Yoga classes at the Y this morning and writing class tonight at Lander. Besides, I studied and read all day yesterday and I need a break. ------ I'm reviewing my journal writing the year before Bob died. It is full of surprises. First, how much caretaking I was doing. Second, how often I was away teaching yoga classes and visiting the Pond for many different reasons. Weekly I left Bob to his own devices for a night or sometimes two. How did we manage to do that comfortably? That's simply the way we lived our marriage - each doing a lot of our own thing separately from the other. I believe that is a major strength of a happy marriage. Allowing and supporting. More than that, encouraging each to "be all you can be." One of my most important treasures is an acrylic painting of clasped hands Bob did toward the end of his life. It was just a few months before he went on oxygen that he drove alone to Greenville once a week for lessons and painted the last of only a very few he ever did. He kept only one other. So here I am again trying something new - writing. Not just for my pleasure, but hopefully for publication. It's hard work - much harder than I anticipated. But I'm not giving up. Most things I treasure came from hard work. And at least for now, it's my passion.

Changes - the Hair Thing

Today we're back to winter - highs in the 50's today and tomorrow. But then, spring is like that. Up and down - changing is the best word for Spring. I'm changing during this Lenten season. Are you? In Clemson we had a neighbor who used to say "The daffodils are blooming. Are you and Bob on a diet again?" Over the years I've thought about that a lot. At first, I was insulted. Now, I think it's a good thing. If Spring and Lent are times of change, renewal, perhaps I am simply following an instinct to look again, change direction, attempt once again to go inward and find my authentic self and nourish her. I am so blessed to be living long enough, comfortably enough to do this searching. While I'm spring cleaning my cottage and my closets, I'm taking a look again at my life and making changes. Some may become habitual, some may not. But without trying, how do I know what fits and what doesn't? For example, I have had this niggling desire to let my hair grow out - part of my intention to simplify and honor my feminine side - and have been doing so for several months. Right now I'm torn between letting it grow and getting it "styled." I've been through this process many, many times. In a few more months, it will be easier to manage. Can I wait? Isn't this the way of most changes we attempt?

Random Thoughts - AGAIN

Ah, just spotted the dogwood next to the Yogatorium. I'd forgotten it was there - and now it, too, is showing renewed life. What a show-off it is! The rain is to come today and welcome it is. We are turning yellow and need a good washing down. ---- Checked in with Dr. Hall yesterday and was told to be patient since the pleurisy is much improved - just wait. Reassuring. ---- Watched a fun TV show last evening - "The Shark Tank" - quite by accident. Absolutely amazing how much money gets thrown around in our country. Some really neat inventions - I particularly liked the technologically updated pogo stick. ----- Began taking L-Glutamine powder, an amino acid building block of protein, this morning. Dr. Biddle says it will reduce cravings - in particular my sugar one. What a find this will be if it works! Stay tuned. I'll let you know. ------ Just rambling this morning - waiting for 10:30 yoga class. Then, a nice long day of writing research - having fun retrieving facts about myself from my journals - things I had totally forgotten that seemed insignificant at the time but important now. For example, I began teaching yoga on Tuesdays here at the Lutheran Church in February of 2005 and didn't actually move here until October of 2006. So, I was making weekly trips (1-1/2 hours each way) to enjoy the teaching of yoga and the solitude of being at the Pond overnight or sometimes longer. So, for nearly two full years I was living in two places at once. Bob came with me a few times, but not often. We both enjoyed the separate times as well as the times together in Clemson. Time for pre-yoga meditation at the Yogatorium.

A Beautiful Spring Morning

What a beautiful morning! Sunshine lighting up the lovely greens beginning to show up in the trees as well as the grasses. Yellow strip of pollen accumulated on the surface of the Pond over in the corner by the dam. Rain forecast for tomorrow which will temporarily wash the pollen down onto the ground. So far my neti pot use every morning is keeping my sinuses happy. Probably should redo it in the evenings too. ------ The wisteria is lovely now - a gift from Herschel Harper, a Clemson friend, that I enjoy every year. In the photo, the labyrinth is across the Pond in the distance. ---- Today is a day for writing research - great phone visit with Joan Borysenko yesterday which, as usual, inspires me to greater reaches!

Asheville Integrative Medicine - www.docbiddle.com

Yesterday's visit with Dr. Biddle in Asheville was very satisfying. He exudes confidence and in so doing instills confidence. There will be more testing to try to determine what foods cause problems but already I have a few things to try and when I see him in six weeks, all the results from blood work, hair analysis, heart scan, record keeping, etc. and the path will be more clearly defined. I'm excited! There seems to be simple corrections for some problems - such as being cold much of the time and leg cramps. At any rate, I know some things to try and that in itself is reassuring. The gut problem will take much more analysis, but we'll get there. ------ I'm amazed every day now - thrift, dogwoods, wisteria, redbuds, - something new comes to life each day! I took the star magnolia blossoms and red maple seeds photos about a week ago. The sun is shining and another beautiful day is in the making. Temp in the 80s yesterday! about 20 degrees hotter than normal. Time for tea.

Nothing exciting - just idle thoughts

The bluebirds are back! They visited a couple weeks ago and again this morning. Looks like they are working on the nest. How I love watching spring happen. The ground is turning green rapidly. The car is turning yellow with pollen. So are all the other outdoor surfaces. In a few days I'll grab a water hose and wash down the porch and begin sitting out there rather than watching from inside. Geese returned this morning. Ducks seem to be in hiding right now. ----- Genealogy writing class last night was fun and informative. All ten of the class members have interesting insights and learnings to pass on so I'm getting excited about actually writing about the family.....as soon as I get my Happy by Myself book under control. It is still testing my ability to get it organized. Somehow the organization seems to me to be very difficult - much more so than the writing. Perhaps Lisa, my writing coach, can get me untangled when we talk in a week or so. Until then, I'll keep struggling. ....Today I'm off to Asheville to spend the night so I'll be there for early morning appointment with Dr. Biddle. I'm not comfortable driving at night now and besides, it's always fun to spend a night in a motel. I always sleep well and I finally figured out one reason - the rooms are dark. So, I've placed room darkening shades on my bedroom windows - and it makes a big difference! I don't have the heavy drapes that shut out all the light, but much of it is gone. Time for more tea.

Water everywhere and not a drop to drink

Yesterday was a mixed bag. Got all ready for church and ----from then on chaos --- the water supply ended. Mike came over and told me just as I was getting ready to leave - so- no church - after much discussion and conjecture it was decided an electrician should be called. But, who? Finally I called Guilda and she told me they use Watterson out of Greenwood. Called him and he agreed he would be out "after lunch." Then, Mike started checking stuff out with some kind of meter and decided it was Duke Energy's responsibility - so called Watterson and left a message not to come - called Duke and reported a "partial outage" - a first for me when some things worked and some didn't???? Immediately she guessed we had lost our 220 when I told her the well pump had stopped and the dryer - not mine, I don't have one - Angie's had stopped. With all that having been handled as best I could for the time being - to the grocery store and back expecting - hoping it was fixed. It wasn't - not until 8:30 last night did we have water. In the meantime, I ended up going back to the store for a couple gallons of drinking water. I had already dipped a bucket into the rain barrel to flush the toilet. One nice thing about living on the Pond, some kind of water is always available - but not to drink, of course. In the midst of all this activity, I knitted dishrags and tried to do lots of thinking things that simply couldn't come to be - my head was used up. So, I finally resorted to eating ice cream and Hershey's Nuggets and watching TV. That finished the day! Except, after all that late day chocolate, I couldn't go to sleep. A rarity for me - except when I eat too much chocolate. But - today is a new day! I'm off to Greenwood shortly to teach my yoga classes at the Y and then tonight have my geneology (sp?)writing class - so a FUN DAY.

GHS 60th Reunion May 7

Two geese are here again. They are so noisy--especially coming and going. I pray they will go rather than stay. There are many other farm ponds around that are not close to the houses where I'm sure they would be more welcome. At times we've had way too many to abide - as many as 43 on the Pond at one time. I do sort of enjoy their early morning arrival - reminds me of the rooster I used to hear. I wonder where he has gone? Don't hear him anymore. The neighbor does still have the donkey but his brays are at all kinds of odd times, not predictable, but fun to hear when he does speak up. ------- My high school class 60th reunion dinner will be May 7 - thanks to Ann Royal Pendergrass and Jimmy Youngblood pestering her with phone calls to make it happen. I'm really looking forward to it since I missed the 55th one. The 50th was a real ball! It's so much fun to see former classmates and try to recognize them! Some are more attractive, some more wealthy. Some seem to be just what I expected, others total surprises. Some that seemed least likely to succeed are the very most successful! But in all cases, sharing memories is a wonderful experience that lasts for days and weeks after the gathering. Fortunately the few details we learn are just enough to let the imagination run wild with speculation. What fun!!!

Writing with a Pen Works Well

Where did the time go yesterday? I'm not sure. I do know that I FINALLY had some success writing again. Finally my brain is recovering from the pleurisy and the anti-inflammatory medicine I took. How nice it is to have it back! At least mostly. Besides a new idea for my writing, I actually got some words on paper. And, again this morning I woke with my brain in gear and got more words on paper! It is true, my writing with a pen at times seems more fruitful than typing at my laptop.-----The dandelions are blooming! Spring is coming! The onions are up, too, of course. The grass is lazy. In another couple of weeks it, too, will spring up from among the weeds and become tall enough to mow. Then the yard turns green! I say yard because it's not really a lawn, more like a field. As a matter of fact, it used to be part of a pasture and was mowed with a bush hog until Mama and Daddy decided to move down here into a double wide. Now a couple of acres is fenced off from the pasture and we mow it with a yard tractor, which is truly putting it to the test since the yard is so rough. Still, Randy manages to keep it running and cutting. I can hardly wait to smell the aroma of green grass being cut! Maybe somewhere in town the city is mowing?

Spring is on its way

Excitement! Randy is clearing out the flower beds so the daisies and buttercups can peek out without all the oak leaves getting in the way. I actually found a few buttercups hiding beneath the blanket of leaves and clumps of daisies are already above the height of their winter cover. Once the beds are clear of debris, I'll think about separating the daisies, or maybe I'll leave them as they are. Last year I had so many we mowed them down. This year, hopefully we'll get enough back to separate and fill the bed. There's something so beautiful about the arrival of new plants above ground from the old underground. I try very hard to nourish those and not replace them with new. I remember visiting an old (100 years or more) homesite on the back of our 200 acres with my father and finding daffodils blooming. They were breathtaking - the very idea of blossoms occurring on plants that old!!!! It's fun too, to imagine how daffodils ended up in ditches and along roadsides and wonder who discarded them and when? At my old homesite just up the road, there is a row of daffodils running through the middle of the lawn. Must have been a fence there at some time. As a matter of fact, I remember! They would have edged Mother's vegetable garden! Not sure whether inside or outside the fence, but I think outside. I'm talking about the the 1940's now. Ah memories!

Frequent Freedom

Good morning! Another overcast day. Thank goodness - Randy just called and said he would not come today, but tomorrow to do some yard work for me. Thank goodness! Now I get another free day. Two in a row! And, luckily there was a cancellation and my appointment with Dr. Biddle (Asheville Integrative Medicine) got moved up to next Wednesday! I'm really eager to hear what he has to say about my IBS that I've been living with ever since my gall bladder was removed - 25 years ago. ------Whoops! Now I am showing my age - I've always wondered why old folks talk about there illnesses so often - Sorry about that.-----Truly this morning freedom is what is on my mind. It's amazing to me how I react when I am given free time, time to be or do on my own terms. My whole body lets go and relaxes into the present and I smile knowing there are no requirements of me. No one is expecting anything from me. There is absolutely nothing I MUST do. There may be things I SHOULD do, but I'm learning to ignore those signals and let them go until they turn into MUST do's. Shoulds can drive me crazy if I let them. When I get right down to it, there are very few musts. And, if I restrict myself to those, freedom becomes more frequent. It's what I do in those free moments that make life worth living.

Power of Few-Seconds Pauses

Another lazy morning. Rainy at times. How fortunate I am to be able to just sit and watch as the day goes by. Unfortunately, I do this at times when I should have my brain in gear - like this morning when I realized I had totally forgotten an appointment - then discovered I hadn't at all - It's NEXT week, not this one. I used to think these happenings were because of ageing. But, you know what, I think it's on purpose! I purposely shut off the world and just be far more often now than ever before. And the purposeful relinquishing gets more frequent and more enjoyable as I practice. The morning meditations are one way, but more and more often I find myself in the middle of doing something and just pausing to enjoy what is going on outside my window. Or even what is going on inside my head. Have you ever done that? Paused to consider what is going on inside your head? Even a few seconds can transport me and erase whatever was bothering me. Close your eyes, watch your breath. What happens? Perhaps this few-seconds pausing is a habit we should all develop.

Just a Hello

Hey! Sorry I missed you - really busy day - two yoga classes at the Y, errands in town, back into town again this evening for writing class. Spring is springing! And, I love it! More tomorrow.

Trash

What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining brightly, the wind has lessened, looks like a great day for a walk down the road. I began picking up trash from the roadside last week and never finished - the next time I looked, new trash had appeared. Who does this? I can't believe there are those who still do this - except - most of the trash is beer bottles. Is it teens who can't leave the bottles in the car when they are going home? I've even picked up unopened cans. Those I can forgive. But what about just trash - styrofoam cups, etc. That I can't understand. Perhaps if I get it all picked up and keep it that way, it will stop? ------ Pleurisy pain is almost totally gone - just a twinge now and then - so I'll try a bit of exercise today - at least a short walk and a few standing forward bends. Eager to get back to life as usual.

Choice - a lovely word.

This time off is getting old. I did manage to lead Maureen through some yoga poses last evening at the Yogatorium, but it's clear I'm not strong enough to do my own practice yet. Still, I'm grateful the pain is almost gone and I'm enjoying doing the little things. Will try today to get back to at least reading my journals from the last four years and hope inspiration hits me for my book. If that doesn't work, I'll enjoy the romance novels Guilda brought me last evening. ----- The rain and potential rain this morning is somehow lovely. I'm not quite sure why, but I do thoroughly enjoy days like this. It's almost as though permission is being given to just be and not do on days like this. How lucky I am to be able to respond however I wish!! Those long years of working outside the home did not allow for such total freedom of choice. Choice. What a lovely word!

Pleurisy - More than you ever wanted to know

Yesterday was a day of adjustment. Monday following my two yoga classes at the Y, I went to the doctor and learned I do have pleurisy (I had been working on figuring out what was going on for about a week). After a chest x-ray he said no fluid is in evidence - just inflammation. So, I began taking Indomethacin and mostly slept all day yesterday. Even when my eyes are open, my brain is on hold. Hopefully I'll be off this med by the weekend. I don't enjoy this zombie-like state. Still, it creates space for letting go of control and accepting what is. What is, is a tiny spot on my left side hurt like crazy when I lay on my back, but not otherwise. Now, that pain is not nearly so intense, but still there. For those of you who are uneducated about this, there are two layers of tissue called pleura - one surrounds the lungs, the other the body cavity and they normally slide freely as one breathes allowing the lungs to expand and contract freely. When an inflamed area appears, you can hear (feel) a rubbing sound. My doctor says this is a viral infection which can go into shingles. I've had the vaccine, but still it could occur. SOOOO, I'm at rest for the time being. It's really a profitable time because I'm doing some of those little things that you just keep putting off - like switching mattresses on my bed and the one in the computer room, finishing up a knitted piece, mending Susan's sweatshirt, reading romance novels from the library, etc. and thanking God it's pleurisy, not a heart problem!

Remote control Hot Wheels

Good Monday morning! The bluebirds are back checking out the house. One sits atop while the other goes in and out. Does the male make the decision and build the nest? Or, does the female do that? Either way, I hope they decide to stay. Also saw my first red-wing blackbird recently. And the finches are back. Can hardly wait for hummingbird time! But, that will be a while.-----Had a great quick trip to Atlanta Saturday and back yesterday. Sam and Jack and I had supper at Taco Mac and then a visit to Target where each boy got a hot wheel car that is self contained - that is it's batteries come with it and it's own remote control! What a ball. We even built a garage out of a shoebox after we got home.----Now off to the Y soon for yoga class and hopefully a second group will show up for chair yoga after the first class. We'll see.

Life Force and Mystery - Janet Quinn on You Tube

Sorry - on my way to Atlanta. No time to write except - If you're into spiritual journeying - you might enjoy going to You Tube and hearing "life force and mystery - Janet Quinn". Much deep thought-producing conversation for those of us who are seeking truth. Janet was one of my teachers in the Claritas Institute Interspiritual Mentor Training. She is being interviewed by Lilou's Juicy Living Tour.com. Have a good weekend!

Just write.

Wonderful meditations this morning with Tara Brach CD's Radical Acceptance. She may be the best I've used yet, or maybe the timing is just right. Timing has a lot to do with how my spiritual searchings work. ------- Today is totally free - I've already fed the birds, washed breakfast dishes and now have no excuse for not writing. So, I'm beginning easily with this short note as a warm-up. The book writing is getting much more difficult. Fixing it is harder than the original writing where I felt completely free to just let the words flow. Still, this is part of the process. So, I'll get back to it and see what occurs.------This state of unpredictability is difficult. -----I'm beginning a writing course on Monday. Maybe that will help. I'm reminded of the difficulty of learning to meditate when I teach - "Just sit." Perhaps my message this morning to myself is "Just write."

Writer's block - to the laundromat

Well, I can't seem to write for the book, so I'll get a note here. Today is catch-up day - bills due, laundry spilling over onto the floor from the hamper, underwear all in laundry, so I'm off to the Laundromat shortly. There I'll see if I can get my main writing going again. I've heard that sometimes a change of scenery makes the words come. ----Have a beautiful day!

Writing and Power Outage

The Pond in February

Well, the sunbath didn't happen. Neither did the second trash pickup. I got hooked on "the main thing" and have been writing seriously. Sorry for ignoring you, but occasionally I must begin my day with serious writing. I have my first consultation by phone with my editor this afternoon so I have been doing my best to develop as many questions as I could by trying some new approaches. If we can agree on the approach, I think the writing will become less scattered. I suppose if I had started with a "book proposal", whatever that is, the writing might be easier? Anyway, I'm still working on how to arrange the material. ------- We had a real thunderstorm last evening. The power went out (and came back on during the night) just as we finished class at the Yogatorium and the rain and wind were so terrific, Martha and Mary sat with me in the dark for a few minutes while it passed over. I spent the remainder of the evening sitting watching the sheets of lightning across the Pond. I capitalize this Pond because of its significance to me. Not only is my cottage perched on the bank, sixty-two years ago I learned to swim and dive in the Pond, Bob's ashes were distributed into the Pond from the center of the dam, Quincy is buried on the other side between the Pond and the labyrinth. (Maybe I should begin capitalizing Labyrinth?) And, over the years we have all said "We are going to the Pond." not the farm, or to Ninety Six.----